How to Find Your People. Why so many women feel lonely, and the challenge of making friends as an adult
Episode Introduction
We hear a lot about the male loneliness epidemic, but loneliness is just as common in women. One survey¹ across 142 countries found that one in four women feel very or fairly lonely, the same proportion as men, and in more than half of those countries women reported higher loneliness than men did. Our circles are shrinking too. In the US, the share of women with six or more close friends fell from 41 percent in 1990 to 24 percent in 2021².
Yet female loneliness rarely makes the headlines, despite what we know about the impact of social connection on health. It can also carry a particular kind of shame. Women are expected to be naturally good at friendship, and social media is full of close-knit girl gangs. When that is not your experience, it is easy to assume the problem is you.
In this episode I talk to psychotherapist Yvonne Richter about why adult friendships can feel so hard, how big life transitions test old friendships, and why they make new ones harder to find. We also cover how attachment style shapes the way we read a silence, why envy deserves a place in the conversation, and what you can do this week if you feel lonely.
Guest Bio
Yvonne Richter is a psychotherapist who leads Revive Mental Health, a Singapore-based practice supporting international women, in person and online. She holds a Postgraduate and Professional Diploma in Psychotherapy and Counselling, has additional training in perinatal mental health, and is a provisional clinical member of the Singapore Association for Counselling. Her work focuses on the challenges women face after moving abroad, including identity, self-worth, loneliness, fertility, pregnancy loss and perimenopause.
What We Cover
00:02:16 The loneliness nobody talks about
• Why female loneliness stays hidden, and the shame of not having a "girl gang"
• How you can be surrounded by people and still feel unseen
00:05:05 Expectations, attachment and the friends we choose
• Do women ask more of their friendships than men do?
• What an unanswered message reveals about your attachment style
00:08:08 Is there a magic number of friends?
• Why the social media version of friendship sets an impossible bar
• Treating loneliness as a signal, much like hunger
00:11:02 Why making friends gets harder as an adult
• What school and university gave us that adult life takes away
• The number of hours it takes to turn an acquaintance into a close friend
00:15:09 Champagne friends and life away from home
• What I saw as a doctor in Hong Kong during COVID
• Losing the "mirrors" that reflect back who we are
00:18:50 Old friends, new goodbyes
• Practical ways to stay close to friends in another time zone
• The cost of protecting yourself from people who might leave
00:25:02 The upside of starting again
• Why expat communities can be fertile ground for friendship
• Finding yourself again in a second language
00:29:23 Who am I here?
• Identity, authenticity and belonging after a move
• Why your partner cannot be your only source of connection
00:34:54 How to make new friends
• Starting with what gave you joy when you were younger
• The step that turns a classmate or gym buddy into a friend
00:38:28 Envy, motherhood and friendships that change
• Why envy reflects your own pain rather than your character
• Making and keeping friends through new motherhood
What You Will Learn
• Why do I feel lonely even though I have lots of friends?
• Are women as lonely as men?
• Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
• How many hours does it take to make a close friend?
• How many close friends do you actually need?
• How does attachment style affect female friendships?
• How do you make friends after moving to a new country?
• How do you keep friendships going when you live abroad?
• Is it normal to feel jealous of a close friend?
• How do you make friends as a new mum in a new country?
Key Takeaways
• Adult friendships take time. Take the conversation beyond the place you met, even if it is just a coffee after class.
• Let people see a little more of you, be vulnerable, and be the one who makes the next invitation.
• A friendship can matter even if it does not last. Don’t be afraid to open up anyway.
1- Gallup, Meta. The Global State of Social Connections. Washington, DC: Gallup; 2023.
2- Cox DA. The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss. Washington, DC: Survey Center on American Life, American Enterprise Institute; 2021.
Further Resources and Support
Loneliness and social connection
• WHO Commission on Social Connection Global evidence, reports and resources on loneliness and social connection.
• Global Initiative on Loneliness and Connection An international network of organisations working to reduce loneliness.
• Foundation for Social Connection US-based organisation with research and practical tools on building connection.
• Campaign to End Loneliness UK campaign with research and guidance on loneliness across adult life.
• Ending Loneliness Together Australian network offering resources and a directory of local connection services.
• Marmalade Trust Charity behind Loneliness Awareness Week, with resources for anyone feeling lonely.
Meeting people and building friendships
• Meetup Find local groups and events built around shared interests, in cities worldwide.
• Bumble For Friends An app designed for meeting people who are also looking for new friends.
• InterNations An international community for people living abroad, with local events and groups.
Motherhood and new parents
• Peanut An app for connecting with other women through fertility, pregnancy, motherhood and menopause.
• Postpartum Support International Support, online groups and help finding perinatal mental health care around the world.
Disclaimer
The content of this podcast and these show notes is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace the doctor-patient relationship, nor does it constitute personalised medical advice. If you are affected by any of the topics discussed, please speak to your doctor or a qualified healthcare professional. If you are in crisis or worried about your safety, contact your local emergency services or a crisis helpline straight away.
